The Disregard of Labels
by J.Rease
Summary: Kurt is gay. He's a flaming homosexual with a gender neutral fashion sense and amazingly good taste. It came as a complete shock, however, when Kurt started to realize that he may be attracted to the female physique. More specifically, the very feminine body belonging to his best friend, Rachel Berry. HummelBerry romance, please read A/N.


Title: The Disregard of Labels  
Author: J Rease

Rating: Strong M

Disclaimer: I don't own glee I don't make money doing this...

Summary: Kurt Hummel is gay. He's known for a long time what most people assumed about him automatically- that he's a flaming homosexual with a gender neutral fashion sense and amazingly good taste. It came as a complete shock, however, when Kurt started to realize that he may be attracted to the female physique. More specifically, the very feminine body belonging to his best friend, Rachel Berry.

Warnings: Sexual situations, sexual confusion, sexual fluidity. If you are offended by any of this, turn back now.

Author's Note: I needed a change and a challenge. I had extreme writer's block and I needed to get over it. So I wrote through it with this plot bunny that was bothering me. I've never tackled Kurt before, so here's my take on HummelBerry. This is a ROMANCE. Let me know what you guys think. (Still writing other fics, no worries...the holidays ar time consuming).

This is unedited. I didn't have the energy to edit 40 pages ...so all mistakes are mine.

The Disregard of Labels

Kurt Hummel is gay. He's known for a long time what most people assumed about him automatically that he's a flaming homosexual with a gender neutral fashion sense and amazingly good taste. He's known since forever that he enjoys the company of men; it just took him a while to get used to the fact that others would know too. After coming out to his father, Kurt realized that he didn't have to hide that part of himself. He even assumed that his sexuality was fixed; that he knew everything there was to know about being a gay guy-doing gay things. That he would never want the comfort of a woman. Brittany had been his only taste of heterosexuality. And while he wasn't repulsed, he definitely wasn't aroused. _Like at all_. The experience had only solidified his sexuality- he preferred men. Being with Blaine had him looking forward to exploring more sexual activities. Never had Kurt thought he would have to evaluate the status of his sexual orientation again.

If Kurt spoke in percentages, he would say that he was ninety seven percent gay, two percent gay for fashionistas and one percent questionably in doubt (he had it in his mind to never say never; there were always exceptions in life). It came as a complete shock, however, when Kurt started to realize that he may be attracted to the female physique. More specifically, the very feminine body belonging to his best friend, Rachel Berry.

New York City felt like home. And with Rachel by his side, he felt like he could tackle anything thrown his way. Their loft space left little privacy between them. Curtains and room dividers could only do so much. Kurt learned quickly to abandon modesty, and he also learned that headphones block out noises...but shadows still played like movies from his vantage point. They say you learn who a person really is when you live together. But it just so happened that Kurt was learning way more about himself than he was about Rachel.

Rachel's routine often happened before Kurt woke up. He knew she was anal, and neat and so organized that even the unorganized piles around the apartment had some structure. He knew she was punctual- and if she was ever late then something was wrong. They shared chores and Rachel was the kind of person who was often thoughtful when no one else was. Living in New York had only strengthened their friendship.

But living with Rachel also evoked confusing emotions that Kurt wasn't ready to acknowledge. And loneliness definitely didn't help. The last straw, it seemed, was Blaine's infidelity. Suddenly he was alone and all he had was work and Rachel- his job and his best friend. That was when he started noticing things he hadn't before about the tiny diva.

Rachel hated heat- often when he came home she was wearing next to nothing, prancing around their space in shorts cut so short he could see the bottoms of well...her bottom. Tank tops with no bra that left little to the imagination. And Kurt had grown weary of her legs, the nape of her neck. Those places were places his eyes hated to venture- afraid of the reaction he'd have in the pit of his stomach. The same reaction he gets usually when being intimate with Blaine.

Rachel, once comfortable, had no sense of personal space. After the beginning of their tentative friendship, Rachel's impromptu announcements of physical contact and warnings of general proximity stopped. Rachel stopped asking to touch, hug, and cuddle with him; she just did so without caution. Consequently, Kurt was constantly bombarded with too much skin and too many curves and too many awkward situations that Rachel never noticed.

Like the one they were in right now.

There was a movie playing that he couldn't concentrate on. Rachel had draped her legs and upper thighs over his lap, her bottom snug against the side of his leg while she rested her back against the armchair. Weeks ago, this wouldn't have bothered him. But now, with Rachel in her underwear halfway resting on his lap, he had to focus on not embarrassing himself.

Which was extremely hard at the moment.

Kurt would be envious of Rachel's flawless skin if his hands weren't rubbing patterns up and down her calves. It seemed absentminded, but Kurt let his fingertips drag from her shins to the space right above her knee and back again. All he knew was that he wanted to go higher; he needed to know if the insides of her thighs felt softer-

He shook his head.

He was lonely. He was lonely and Rachel was constantly around and there was no other explanation for the attraction he was feeling. It would go away when he made more friends and when Blaine stopped calling his phone so much.

Rachel shifted, sighing before slipping further down the couch and more into his lap.

He could feel the heat emitting from the diva. His hand had slipped higher in her movement, brushing against her thighs as she arched off the couch. She stretched slowly, winding her body at the hip before settling again. Out of his peripheral, he could see her tug the tank top lower, her chest poked out and fell as she got comfortable again. Kurt was going insane on the inside. He could see too much skin and she felt so warm and God he just wanted to reach out and slide his fingers up her-

"Gotta pee! Don't pause the movie!"

He all but throws her legs from over his lap, hoping she didn't notice the considerable bulge forming in his pants. He locked the door behind him, falling against it before looking down.

He was hard. Definitely hard.

He found the mirror, gripping the edges of the sink for support as he rocked against it. He was gay.

Gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay gay, _**gay**_.

And yet here he was debating on taking a cold shower because his female roommate had got him all hot and bothered. He splashed water on his face quickly, hoping the utter dread clogging at the base of his throat would force his erection to go away. Or at least the water would break the blotchiness up on his face (this particular shade of red was not befitting to his skin tone).

He could hear Rachel laughing in the other room, the noise hearty and thick. She was in there, oblivious to what she's been doing to him. He gripped the edge of the sink again- recounting dead puppies and getting kneed in the crotch.

Kurt was gay.

He liked hard lines and hairy bodies. He liked man butts and muscular pecks. He didn't like women and their too soft skin and their curves or their breasts. And gosh did vaginas scare him. He sighed.

He was gay.

Not pansexual or bisexual or any other sexual than homo. This was a stupid crutch his body was using to keep his mind off missing Blaine. He would not reevaluate his entire sexuality on the premise of a ..._girl crush_. This too would pass, and everything would go back to normal.

Kurt looked down again, not too sure how long it would be before that happened.

000 0000 000

Kurt had brushed off those pesky heterosexual feelings as temporary insanity by the time Thanksgiving arrived. He didn't like Rachel_ that way_. He was feeling genuinely over the small bout of infatuation he'd felt toward his roomie by the time he and Blaine had managed to make some leeway toward reconciliation. At least, he'd thought he was over it. Rachel rarely got home before him these days, so Kurt seized the moment he came home to an empty apartment. The first thing he needed was a bath. He could peel off his clothes and sip apple cider in the bathtub with his stereo blasting without interruption.

He made his way to the bathroom, humming and trying to decide which bubble bath to use. He swung open the door in time to see Rachel tugging her towel off the hook by the shower. Everything was wet. _Everything_. He let his eyes drift up those luscious legs, past the manicured mound of very delicate hair, and through the valley of Rachel's handful of perky, perfect, round breasts.

"Kurt? Kurt are you listening?"

"Huh! Yea what's up?"

Other than his manhood.

Rachel had finally managed to wrap the towel securely around her body.

"I know you're gay, Kurt, but I'm not sure I'm comfortable getting dressed in front of you..."

"Right! Sorry, I didn't think anyone was home I was coming to take a bath I didn't hear you- yea I'll just get out of your way now."

He turned on his heel before Rachel could answer him and slammed the door shut behind him.

He was definitely not over it.

His entire body was on fire and he couldn't stop the heat from tingling to places it shouldn't. But what came through above all else was the disappointment; the shame. He'd stood there long enough to be considered a creeper; luckily Rachel hadn't slapped him.

Kurt walked quickly back to his side of the apartment, falling onto his bed with a heavy sigh. What was he thinking? She's Rachel. Sure, she's his best friend and he trusts her with his everything- and yea, they've been bonding over the last few months. Well, more like clinging to each other like life rafts. And okay she's his support system and maybe he's growing too attached to having her there.

He sighed again.

But she's Rachel. She's the love of his stepbrother's life. A former nemesis turned closest ally. She's a girl. Gosh, things would be so messed up if he told her how he'd been feeling. She's Rachel- a friend. A friend only. And he's Kurt- and he's gay. And nothing will come of this.

"Hey, I'm all done in the bathroom. I'll be heading out with Brody, you staying in?"

Kurt nodded. Three's a crowd. Rachel sobered before she sat down beside him.

"Is...is everything okay, Kurt? I mean, I know you miss Blaine and it's tough right now for you. If you need me to stay in so we can watch old black and white movies and cry over huge tubs of ice cream I can."

Her hand fell on his knee as she leaned toward him, sincerely. His sweet, caring, beautiful Rachel. He wouldn't make her feel awkward around him.

"I'm alright, just tired. I'll be okay, tell Brody I said hello."

He would be okay, he just had to be.

000 0000 000

Rachel smells like mangos. Kurt realized it when he hugged her, his crumpled NYADA letter squished between them. Rachel had practically jumped on the spot for a minute before barreling into him for a hug. He got a whiff of shampoo and soap that complimented the perfume that faintly wafted into his nostrils and he inhaled. Kurt had closed his eyes upon impact, pulling his arms around his best friend and squeezing.

He never knew hugs could feel so great.

Their bodies were pressed together, no gaps in contact as he held on to his squealing best friend. He liked the feeling of having her tucked beneath his chin, her head flat against his chest and close to his heart. He wondered if she could hear his heart beat quicken; banging against his ribcage at her proximity.

And then she was pulling away. Mango fainting from his senses as she untangled her arms from around him. Her absence caused an instant ache in his stomach that dissolved when he saw her smiling. She grabbed his hand.

"I'm so proud of you Kurt! We have to celebrate! We should go out for drinks. You have to get dressed and call your dad and, and we have to celebrate!"

He just jumped and nodded with her before he ran to his room to change his clothes. He got in. He got in and all he heard in the back of his mind when he was singing was that Rachel believed he could do it. She had told him he could do it all alone and on the fly and it gave him enough courage to go up, unprepared. And when everyone stood and clapped for him, the only person he saw in that room was Rachel Barbra Berry. His best friend, his support system.

His Rachel.

He sat down on the bed with a ruffled silk shirt he'd gotten from the very first thrift store he'd visited in New York. _His Rachel_. That thought was scarier than seeing her naked, or dreaming about her and waking up stiff. Or wondering what her kisses tasted like. Suddenly, getting drinks didn't seem like such a good idea- being drunk in this state of mind wasn't the best decision he could make.

"Kurt, are you decent?"

He composed himself despite the blatant blush on his cheeks.

"Yea, Rach, come in!"

"I had to call Brody, he let me know which bars don't card. You almost ready to go?"

Brody- Kurt needed a buffer; he needed someone else there so even if he gets tipsy he'll be too embarrassed to let his heterosexual feelings toward his roomie slip.

"Yea, I'm just going to go like this. I think I'm still in shock. Ask Brody to come along? We'll make it a group thing."

Rachel nodded and turned on her heel with her cell phone already in her hand. This was going to be a long night.

000 0000 000

"To Kurt! For his recent acceptance to NYADA, and his stellar performance at the winter showcase!"

The entire bar raised their glasses (including the bartender who should have kicked them out at the announcement of Kurt's freshman status). This was his fourth round tonight, some fruity drink he'd picked from the chalkboard menu because it smelled like mangos and not so much like alcohol. Rachel was giggling from Brody's lap, and Brody smiled that charming smile (good gosh that boy is a walking slab of perfect-yea Kurt's still gay). He sipped his drink and scanned the bar, his eyes fell back to Rachel and Brody's intimate interaction.

They looked great together. Rachel deserved someone mature, someone who could handle her ambition. Someone like Brody. Not someone like him. Kurt doesn't know why he's entertaining thoughts of he and Rachel being together, but he can't seem to stop himself from comparing he and the man with Rachel on his lap.

Brody is gorgeous. All blue eyed and tan skinned- and heavens if Brody had an ounce of gay in him Kurt would definitely be attracted. But he's all chiseled and manly and- Kurt knows Rachel's type. She needs that tall, dark and stunning type of guy. The knight in shining armor type guy. Kurts not really any of those things. He's fragile and pale. He's slender and he can rarely save himself...let alone her. Rachel would probably laugh in his face if he told her what's been going on in his head.

He swallows the rest of his drink, and he orders another.

He was supposed to be celebrating.

000 0000 000

He's drunk. Not like throw up drunk or falling all over the place drunk- more like tingly everywhere with this silly smile plastered on his face drunk. He got out of his sulking mood and danced with Rachel at the bar, Brody watched from his stool as he and Rachel giggled through most of the songs. She always found a way to make him feel better. Brody caught the train with them home, to make sure they didn't get distracted by the city lights, and he left them alone soon after.

Kurt had found his bed and collapsed on it, listening to Rachel sing in the kitchen. His night turned out well. He spent it with one of his favorite people and he'd celebrated his acceptance into NYADA. He heard footsteps approaching. They quickened and got louder as Rachel fumbled to his curtain. The pace sped up until Rachel jumped onto his back, her knees bent at his sides and the warmest part of her pressed against the curve of his spine.

He held his breath.

She shook his shoulders jubilantly; bouncing on the top of the small of his back. He could feel heat radiating from between her thighs. She was pressing his weight into the mattress and he had to bite his tongue to keep from moaning out loud. She sloppily kissed the crown of his head before whispering in his ear:

"You did it, Kurt. I told you you would."

Rachel was just as drunk as he was. She hugged him awkwardly (her hands wrapped around his neck like that gave him butterflies) on top of his back before rolling onto her side beside him. He turned on his side to face her, his hand falling on her hip instinctively.

"Yea, but I feel like I wouldn't have done it at all had it not been for you, Rach. You're my backbone."

Rachel smiled lazily. Her eyelids were low and her cheeks aglow. Kurt rested his head against the open palm of his hand. He liked this view.

"Kurt, you're talented, you don't need me."

She had no clue.

"You don't know how much I do..."

If Rachel was a guy, Kurt would have went for it. He would have kissed her soft and slow on the mouth and he would show Rachel how she made him feel. But Rachel wasn't a guy- and Kurt wasn't so sure Rachel would kiss him back; if she would take him seriously.

"...you make me feel like I can do anything, Rach."

Rachel's next smile is slow. It spread across her face gradually, and settled there. She scooted into Kurt then, resting her head on his chest and cuddling into his side. His arm fell over her hip and they wound up dozing off that way.

Kurt never slept better.

000 0000 000

There was a weight resting heavy over his pelvis. He noticed first that his head was pounding. Next, he noticed his stomach overturning at the scent of fresh mangos. Lastly he noticed the extreme case of morning wood he was sporting. When he cracked open an eye, he was met with waves of chestnut hair.

Everything rushed back to him.

He tensed immediately, and Rachel moved in her sleep closer to him, her leg brushing over him intimately. He gasped, shocked that the contact was so close to undoing him. Rachel seemed to be having the best dream of her life, because she moaned from the back of her throat, the flat of her palm ran from its perch on his chest downward.

Dead puppies, baseball, getting slushied-it wasn't working.

Her hand was groggy, and it was getting closer to the bulge in his slacks. Kurt felt like Rachel might squeeze him if she got to her destination. And if she did, Kurt might not be able to stop the inevitable release he was aching for.

Sometimes Kurt wishes he believed in God.

He would have someone to pray to in situations like these. But he doesn't, so he snaked his fingers into the spaces Rachel's fingers made and pulled her hand up to rest higher. She turned around with their hands still linked with a sigh, but she didn't stir. Kurt let out his own sigh or relief before slowly pulling his hand back toward his body. He slid from the bed and tip toed to the bathroom.

The first thing he did was wash his face. No matter how many times Rachel had gotten him worked up, he never acted on it. It seemed inappropriate to think about her while he did...that. Release was an admission of attraction. But his erection was bordering on painful; thoughts of Rachel moaning playing in his head made it hard to concentrate on anything other than the pulsing throb.

She would never know...right?

He unbuttoned his shirt from the collar, his reflection accusatory as it fell open. His pants were ruffled from sleep, his belt twisted sideways- he had to pull it to the front to unbuckle it. His hand stuffed into his underwear and brushed over hot skin before he squeezed lightly.

Something inside of him wished he'd let Rachel explore him in his sleep.

He pulled out of his underwear and stroked in one fluid motion. This wouldn't take long. He couldn't smell anything other than mangos; he couldn't close his eyes without seeing chestnut waves of hair splayed across his chest. His hips bucked as he pumped faster; added a bit of pressure. He was almost there- so close and on the brink he almost didn't hear footsteps.

Fast, heavy, close footsteps.

It hurt tucking his erection awkwardly into his briefs. He buttoned every other button on his shirt just in time for the bathroom door to fly open. Rachel barreled in without tossing him a sideways glance, and bent over the toilet to upchuck.

Kurt was closer to believing in God now; surely this was punishment for his perversion.

His cheeks were flushed and his reflection mocked him in the mirror. He shook his head at himself before going to Rachel's side to hold her hair.

000 0000 000

Since the first time he had given in to those lustful fantasies, he didn't dare touch himself to thoughts of Rachel. It seemed disrespectful of him. Instead, he forced himself to come to terms with his attraction to women. In theory, Kurt thought that if he enjoyed Rachel's body, he would enjoy other womens' bodies as well. When he logged on to the pornography site, he expected to have a reaction.

When he clicked on two women kissing passionately on the screen, he expected to feel the same way he felt whenever Rachel walked around the apartment half naked (whenever Rachel reached high into a cabinet, or bent over to pick things up off the ground). What he hadn't expected was instant repulsion. He blamed it on his dislike for porn in general. He clicked through a few more videos with the same results. After a few disappointments, Kurt stumbled upon a not so aggressive looking video entitled "Genderqueer's first time with a lady". It sounded intriguing, and he wiggled in his seat before clicking on the link.

A thin boy came into view, sitting on a comfortable looking red couch in a seemingly normal apartment. He had flawless skin and a wonderful sense of fashion (the double breasted grey velvet vest had gold pins that accented the buckles on the boy's pants as well as the stripes in his black, gold and grey plaid tie) and a porcelain complexion. He smiled warmly, speaking to a very feminine voice behind the camera.

"_Have you ever had sex with a woman before?"_

Her voice was like liquid sex, it was thick and oozed innuendo. The guy shook his head in the negative, biting the corner of his lip as he began unbuttoning his vest.

"_Why not?"_

He took off that fabulous vest and peeled off the cream V-neck beneath it.

"_I never wanted to…"_

Gosh, Kurt could relate. He (Kurt decided to name him Ethan; he definitely looked like an Ethan) was unbuckling the pants now, letting them fall to his knees before he stood to tug them down and off. Ethan was barefoot (Kurt wished he could've seen the shoes the boy matched with that outfit), standing in his grey briefs, semi erect. The voice behind the camera shifted, and a beautifully tan woman with long, dark brown hair sat down beside him. She only had on her underwear, and her hands began exploring Ethan's delicate skin.

"_Are you afraid?"_

Ethan shook his head again.

"_Just… uninterested."_

The woman, who Kurt decided to call Amelia, tugged on the thick waistband of Ethan's briefs. She smirked before dipping her hand into his underwear, stroking him gently without breaking eye contact. Ethan's head fell to the back of the couch, and Amelia continue stroking until he was hard enough to tent his underwear.

Kurt was intrigued. He felt the beginnings of arousal stir low in his stomach, and he had to cross his legs at the ankle to deny the heavy pulse begging to be appeased.

That was when Amelia pulled Ethan out of his underwear.

Everything was so...large and pink and hard. And Amelia was curious enough to dart her tongue around the tip. Ethan's head snapped forward, and Kurt could see the rise and fall of his chest- shallow and sporadic. Amelia smiled into the camera before concentrating all her efforts on Ethan.

Boy, was Kurt enthralled. Sloppy noises reverberated into his headphones; slurping noises and wet slapping noises. Kurt's hips bucked upward when Amelia swallowed Ethan down to the base; and he itched to tuck his hand into his pajama bottoms when Ethan moaned aloud. His penis twitched when Amelia gagged on girth, and Kurt gave in when Ethan grabbed handfuls of chestnut hair away from Amelia's face.

This didn't prove anything.

Kurt was stimulated by Ethan. Beautiful, lithe, androgynous Ethan- the fact that he was being serviced by a female meant nothing to Kurt.

At least that's what he told himself at first. Amelia's hand pumped as she licked and sucked up and down Ethan's shaft. Kurt wasn't fully erect until she pulled away. Ethan stood with her, pulling down her underwear in a quick, fluid motion while Amelia unclasped her own bra. Ethan tugged down his own underwear and Kurt watched unblinkingly as they stood and assessed each other.

Soft, supple curves touching hard rigid lines... Bronzed skin against alabaster- Kurt closed his eyes and squeezed the base of himself to quell the anticipation.

He was definitely hard now.

His eyes snapped open at her moaning. Ethan had tugged her close and kissed her; his hand settled at the small of her back while the other twisted in her hair. Amelia's moaning seemed nothing but genuine, and Kurt couldn't help but appreciate how their bodies meshed and accommodated. There were no bumping parts and empty spaces; everywhere Ethan jutted out, Amelia curved in.

Kurt stroked in a steady rhythm, enjoying the light kissing on the screen before Amelia turned Ethan toward the couch and nudged him down onto it. Kurt didn't know what to expect at first. It was quiet and Kurt was holding his breath as Amelia settled one leg over Ethan's thighs and the other on the edge of the couch. Ethan began stroking himself as Amelia swiped up and down her slit.

_"Have you ever seen pussy before?"_

Ethan's head shook no before falling on the back of the couch again. Amelia dipped two fingers inside herself on the down stroke. Kurt watched, entranced at the pink, wet, swollen flesh; it made him harder.

_"So I assume you've never tasted it before either?"_

Amelia's hand was working fast, dragging upward and sliding inward and Kurt was pumping a little faster, tugging a bit harder. Ethan shook his head again.

What Amelia did next had Kurt on the brink.

She slid two wet fingers from inside her directly up to Ethan's mouth to taste. Ethan's eyes fluttered shut at the same time Kurt had to pinch the head of his shaft to stop from finishing. He closed his eyes momentarily, taking a shallow breath to keep from exploding.

When Kurt opened his eyes again, Amelia was sinking slowly over Ethan's shaft, her back to the camera. When her hips touched down on Ethan's lap, he grabbed her ass to add leverage to her strokes. All Kurt could see was skin. A tan, smooth back-flexing. Alabaster hands gripping and kneading a plump ass. He closed his eyes again.

Suddenly it wasn't Ethan and Amelia.

His hand began pumping faster, and he could hear the echo of his own shallow breathing around the noisies in his headphones- noises that his mind had forged to sound like them. He could see Rachel lifting and falling over his own lap; he could hear his own chanting moans- her persistent enthusiasm. His eyes snapped open to stop the treacherous thoughts and he focused on Ethan and Amelia, thrusting and moaning, their bodies pushing and pulling. Kurt's eyes snapped to where they were joined, a glistening wet sheened Ethan's cock whenever Amelia lifted over him.

Kurt wondered how wet Rachel got. His hand was frantic over heated flesh, his eyes closed with thoughts of them, again before his mind took him somewhere he hadn't expected.

Flashes of him between Rachel's thighs bombarded his brain. Would she taste like mango? How would she feel around him? Would she be tight and wet and suffocating? Kurt's pace was spastic. He couldn't open his eyes to stop himself.

How would Rachel's orgasm feel around his cock?

Kurt's eyes snapped open with the onslaught of his release- thick and creamy on his stomach.

Amelia was screaming as she climaxed, a mantra of yes on her tongue as Ethan pressed her hips down over him harder- their bodies banging together in a cacophy of slapping skin. Ethan's choked groan climbed up his throat at the same time Amelia's growl did, and they tumbled- together, over the edge.

They were all breathing heavily.

Kurt had snatched a tissue from his bedside table to clean up, and Amelia slid off of Ethan and disappeared behind the camera.

Her voice filled his ears again. This time calm and sated.

_**"So do you think you like girls?"**_

Ethan just nodded. And Kurt didn't think he did; like girls. But he knew he might like one in particular; and he had to do something about it before his curiosity drove him crazy.

000 0000 000

"Brody and I are no longer an item."

They were sitting on the couch, Rachel was watching a film for class, and Kurt was reading the next sixty pages of his Broadway history textbook (for fun since he actually knew most of this stuff). He closed the book and feigned disappointment.

"Oh no, sweetie, what happened?"

Inside he was doing somersaults. Not that this meant anything. Rachel paused the film and turned to face him. Kurt hated that his heart sped up when she leaned over to him.

"Well...we agreed to try dating seriously at the start of the second semester. And things were going well until Cassandra decided to_ accidently_ call my phone when she was...being intimate with Brody. And when I spoke to him about it, he told me that he was a man, and he had needs. And if he couldn't fulfill his needs with me, he would do so elsewhere and I just...I told him I need monogamy, and that I don't...give myself so easily.

Kurt tsk tsk tsk'd. He knew Brody was too attractive to be trustworthy.

"So you never... The two of you haven't?"

Rachel shook her head.

"Had sex, heavens no. I mean, I wanted to. Trust me, it was tempting. But I have standards. I can't do that with someone I can't trust. And I'm happy that we didn't because this would have been devastating."

Silence stretched between them.

"We've decided that we are better off as friends. And I need to concentrate on classes, and Cassandra is on my back more than ever- I don't need Brody adding fuel to her fire. It's just...frustrating."

The tone of Rachel's voice peaked Kurt's interest.

"Frustrating...how?"

Rachel sighed before tucking hair behind her ear. He quirked a brow.

"Sexually frustrating. Brody... Brody is a delectable specimen. So sexy and chiseled and so... Gosh, Kurt he's so attractive. He makes it hard to deny him anything. Had he not had sex with Cassandra... I feel like something would have happened between us. And now I'm just...on edge! I swear it's all I can think about. And any guy who seems interested in me now just reminds me that I have to get to know them, and they'll probably fail to meet my standards and I'm just...frustrated."

"I know exactly how you feel."

Rachel's eyes snapped to meet his.

"You do?"

Kurt felt his palms moisten.

"When Blaine and I broke up, and I went home for Christmas and I was reminded of everything we had. I was reminded how great sex with him felt like- how comfortable I was being with him. And when I saw him and he wanted to try again, to work at gaining my trust- I almost gave in. We almost had sex. But I stopped it from happening because he did break my trust. And letting him so easily back into my life because I was missing that physical connection seemed- well stupid. It did make me wonder about the benefits of a no strings attached arrangement."

Rachel was giving him her complete attention.

"And?"

Kurt shrugged.

"Who would I have sex with? I don't know any gay guys here yet that spark my fancy and all the girls I trust would laugh in my face if I proposed that we can be each other's sex buddies-"

"Don't say that. I'm sure a lot of girls find you attractive. But they just assume you're...batting for the other team so they don't bother."

Kurt laughed out loud.

"Oh really? So if I asked you to be my friend with benefits...what would you do?"

Gosh Kurt wishes Rachel won't hear the hope in his voice.

"I'd take your temperature to check for fever. I wouldn't take you seriously because I know you don't like women. Or see me that way for that matter. But someone else... They wouldn't have my predispositions."

"But if I was serious- would you? I mean...we trust each other right?"

Rachel took a moment.

"I guess, if you were serious, I would consider it. It would take me a while to get over the initial shock and general awkwardness of your sudden bisexuality. I... I don't know if I would say yes or no- I would probably assume you were desperate."

That was a fair answer, Kurt still hated it.

"Right..."

Rachel slapped his shoulder.

"Don't do that! I'm just being honest. We are two sexy New Yorkers- I'm sure we can find adequate relief."

Kurt shrugged.

"Well, Rach, until we sort out all these bad Big Apple seeds... I guess we'll both be flying solo."

Rachel sighed loudly, picking up the remote for the television and pressing play.

"Yea...guess so."

000 0000 000

"_Kurt...are you awake_?"

It was whispered through the sheeting that covered his side of the apartment. He was somewhere between dozing off and dead asleep- and he couldn't find the energy in him to answer Rachel's question. He turned onto his back to face where she was calling out to him from, and stopped when he heard the strike of a match being lit.

Suddenly he was wide awake.

Rachel rarely stayed up late during the week- and she rarely checked to see if he was awake before she did anything. Kurt was definitely intrigued. An amber glow cast a soft light on the other side of Rachel's curtain. She'd lit a candle. He could see her silhouette cast against the white hanging sheets separating them. She was moving things around her room, trying her best to be quiet. Kurt watched her shadow pace the small space until she lay out on her bed.

He could see her arms move. He could make out was the frame of her bed and her atop it, her moving arms and her spread legs.

He felt his body tense in realization. She was about to pleasure herself. And through the shadows on the backdrop of her curtains he could watch...he would see.

That thought was both terrifying and exciting.

"_Kurt?_"

She laced his name with so many questions. And Kurt made the decision and bit his tongue. Maybe this would be the only way he would ever see this part of her. And he was damn sure going to seize the opportunity. He bit down on his bottom lip to stop himself from answering her. This felt so wrong. But Rachel would never know. And maybe it would take his mind off having her.

He let out an inaudible breath.

Rachel was resting against her headboard, her arms moving slowly over her body. She was teasing, dragging fingertips over smooth expanses of exposed skin: her inner thighs, her stomach, the tops of her breasts. She scooted down the length of the bed and tugged down what Kurt could only assume to be boyshorts. Then she reached behind her to unclasp her bra.

He had to force his palm over his mouth to stop her from hearing his breath pick up.

Her nipples were hard; pointed upward as her hand grazed over them. She sighed contently, her shadowed hand tugged at the nub, pulling and rolling her fingers familiarly. Her other hand was rubbing circles on her abdomen; little repetitive circles that dipped lower and lower with each repetition. She was panting; Kurt saw her chest rising and falling- shaky breaths chanted out as Rachel tried to stay quiet.

When she turned her head suddenly in his direction, he thought he'd been caught. But Kurt let out a tiny shaky breath of his own when he realized that her hands were still moving; and dipping lower.

When the flat of Rachel's hand got lost in the apex of her thighs, Kurt watched her entire body arch from the bed. Kurt was enraptured by the curves her body made. Soft subtle curves that were bold against the contrasting light- dark shadows that accentuated her every movement. Kurt felt like he could fall in love with the small of Rachel's back as it betrayed the bed- a gap of light sifting beneath her as her hand moved sensuously between her legs.

Kurt's hand twitched downward; he needed to relieve some of the pressure. Rachel would never find out- he just had to stay quiet.

"Ummnngh, yesss."

Kurt snapped back to the scene. Rachel had both hands moving between her legs, her thighs squeezed together repeatedly and released. Another sound shot upward, but Rachel choked it back and all movement stopped. Kurt saw her shadow through the curtain as she sat straight up and leaned on her elbows.

When she was sure he hadn't waken up, she fell back to the bed and spread her legs further apart. Kurt held his breath as she slowly got back into her rhythm. The bed was shifting slightly with her movement, Kurt could hear tight springs expand and contract as Rachel stroked in and out of her body. It was audible, but nothing that would wake him under normal circumstances. Kurt salivated at the thought of what she was doing only a few feet away-that was when he heard it.

It was a wet noise, slippery and it made his stomach clench in need when he realized what it was. Rachel was fingering herself. One hand was on her clitoris and the other was stroking inside- the wet clicking noise was the sound of her fingers stroking over wet flesh- entering and leaving her body at a slick speed. Kurt stroked tediously...if he kept pace with Rachel, she'd hear him touching himself feet away from her...she would know how much of a sick voyeur he really is-

"_Ooooh, fuck me._" She whispered it through panting breaths.

He moved his hand away from himself completely, too caught up to stay quiet and too close to stroke through it. Her words went straight to his head. Rachel's shadow was still bold against the curtain. The hand higher between her legs was rubbing frantically in tight circles, the wet noise of her pumping fingers grew louder. Kurt wrapped his hand around his girth just in time to watch Rachel pull two fingers out of herself.

When she pulled them apart, Kurt could see the thick string of wet slung between them. He was going to lose it the longer he watched- and holding out seemed imperative, he felt like he didn't want to miss anything ShadowRachel did to herself. Kurt didn't care that he was being skeevy in the moment. He didn't care that he might not be able to look Rachel in the eye anymore. All he knew was that he wanted to watch her get off.

The shadow of her left little to the imagination, and he heard her groan as she pushed the same two fingers back into her- and he almost mewled with her when she pulled them completely out. The wet suction, and the following squishy impact of Rachel's thrusting had Kurt aching to come. Her legs were bent at the knees; pointed at the toes, and Rachel was struggling with keeping quiet.

Kurt heard the restraint of a bitten lip, moans leaked out like frueidian slips as Rachel tried not to get louder. He watched her sit up higher on the bed as her hips began to meet her thrusting fingers. The bed was moving now, tight little scoots forward, the noises of the springs bouncing had Kurt's breath hitched. Kurt could feel his chest constrict. He was holding his breath to stop his panting. He couldn't breathe and he was lightheaded and gosh, he was so hard he felt like he would never finish.

Rachel's trembling breath bought him back to her. He slowed his pace, he tried to ignore the raging thunder of his heartbeat and he watched her as she worked up to her climax. Rachel's pesky second hand began (what seemed to be) pinching her clit. She alternated between a circular stroke, the pinch, and patting. Kurt liked the noise she made when she patted her clit- it sounded like pure desperation and complete fright- like she wasn't sure she would be able to handle an orgasm.

Kurt didn't know if he could handle it either.

Rachel was getting loud- but it was still quiet enough that she wouldn't have woken him up had he actually been sleep (New York is a noisy place). She was reduced to whimpers, growls and intakes of breath whenever she touched _that place_. Her body bucked and shivered as she grew closer, and she let out a long, guttural moan held at perfect key as her entire body shook.

Kurt was going to soil his favorite pajama bottoms.

He honestly doesn't realize how he lasted this long. But he continued, rotating his fist at the head and flicking it down to the base. Rachel was so wet now that Kurt could imagine the journey her fingers made along her sex- down in a 'V' until they came in contact with her pumping fingers; until Rachel's hips forced her fingers deeper inside with a grunt.

He was soaked, sweating from nervousness and tension, watching the silhouette on the sheets before him like some pervert at a dirty movie. Rachel was convulsing, her body bucking forward and back as she humped her fingers, the shadow of her mouth was slack, her teeth snagged on her bottom lip when she came- hard and long and violent. He quickened his pace then, his other hand reached down to massage his testicles. He felt backed up and so full he didn't know if he'd missed his opportunity- so turned on that he wouldn't be able to turn it off.

He opened his eyes to Rachel's shadow, her hand rubbed soothingly at inflamed flesh. He felt it coming- up his shaft thickly, like his body knew she had finished and he could follow. He couldn't stop the whimper that barreled up his throat and arched out of his body- he couldn't contain the strangled, brutally loud noise of his release as his eyes rolled uncontrollably into his skull. He couldn't stop it. And he knew she'd heard him. He knew because she immediately blew out the candle and left him shrouded in darkness with his shame and embarrassment.

"_Kurt?"_

He knew he couldn't pretend. If he tried she would get up to face him. She would find him wet and semi erect; sweating and flushed. She wouldn't forgive him if he pretended he wasn't doing what he had been doing just now.

"Yes?"

His voice was a whisper, but one loud enough to hear nonetheless.

"Were you awake this entire time?"

He cleared the bile in the back of his throat.

"Yes..."

His eyes cast downward, even though she couldn't see him.

"Oh."

Kurt expected anger. Loud, angry screaming and an argument about boundaries. But nothing came but quiet. He couldn't even hear her breathing.

"_Were you...did you_?"

Kurt's head snapped to where Rachel's curtain hung. She sounded embarrassed. And shocked. And disappointed. Kurt's chest felt heavy; maybe it was guilt.

"Yes, I was- I was doing what you were doing. I...I was curious. You make me curious."

There was no turning back now, no need to lie when he'd been caught red handed.

In a flurry of sound and movement, Kurt heard Rachel pad to the bathroom with heavy foot falls. He heard the door slam and the shower start. And he sat up on his bed, afraid of what would happen when she came back out.

000 0000 000

When Rachel came out of the shower, she asked him to leave the room while she got dressed behind her curtain. Kurt felt like that was fair. He'd misplaced her trust and she didn't feel comfortable around him anymore. Kurt went into the bathroom Rachel had just vacated, and made quick work of cleaning up and hand washing his pajama bottoms. When he was dressed again, he emerged and went over to Rachel's side of the room. He stood at her closed curtain, wishing there was a door there he could hide behind.

"Rachel... I-"

The curtain snapped open, and Rachel came out to face him. She was wearing the most clothing Kurt had seen her in, ever. The long sleeved black shirt covered everything, and her leotards lead into a pair of black, thick sweat socks. Her hair was pulled back into a messy bun, and her face was red like she'd scrubbed it raw. He forced himself not to look away.

"Don't apologize. Because you watched that entire time; you listened that entire time- so you knew what you were doing, Kurt. That was private. I asked you if you were awake because_ we don't have walls _and you took advantage of that. And now I feel embarrassed and confused and hurt- and it makes me wonder if things like this have been happening without my knowledge-

He shook his head vehemently.

"Rachel, I never- this is the first time, the last time-"

Rachel crossed her arms over her chest and continued.

"Well, honestly Kurt I don't know that. I feel like I have to hide my underwear so you don't pick them up and sniff them. And it makes me reevaluate things that have been happening. Like when you walked in on me in the shower- was that on purpose? Is that why you stood there for so long? So you could memorize what I look like naked?"

Kurt shook his head, heat rose to his cheeks at the memory.

"That was an accident, Rachel."

Rachel shook her head too- like she just couldn't believe him.

"And that conversation about no strings attached sex tonight? What was that about? Because now all I think is that you were trying to plant a seed in my head about you. I just-I don't know what to think about you watching me masturbate because you're_** gay**_ Kurt."

His head snapped up to meet hers. It hurt the way she said it- like it was an accusation against his character. Suddenly he was upset. He knew what he did was wrong. He would accept that and try to get Rachel to understand. He knew she had the right to be angry. What he did was something no good friend should do to another. What made him angry was the way she said it, like he could be nothing else but gay.

"You make things hard, Rachel."

Gosh that shouldn't be the first thing he said out loud. He cleared his throat.

"Lately... I can't help but be attracted to you. You walk around here half naked and you say things and you do things that make me want you. I have been trying to stop from feeling like that but I can't. And I know- I'm gay. You don't know how long I've been telling myself that. But I'm not some asexual creature that has no sex drive. You don't understand how crazy I've been going being around you. I'm sorry about tonight. It was out of line and you can be angry with me because what I did was unforgivable. And if you want me to leave the apartment I will. And I'm sorry. I'm really, really sorry. I kept telling myself that if I gave in and just..."

Kurt sighed.

"... I thought if I gave in my crush would go away. That it would clear my head. But it didn't. I... I like you. Regardless of you being a girl. I'm disregarding these labels because none of them makes how I feel about you make sense."

Rachel nodded slowly before she uncrossed her arms. She walked past him and to the living room. Kurt let his eyes close and he took a deep breath. The secret was out.

"Why- why didn't you say something, Kurt? We're best friends."

His shoulders slumped. He turned on his heel to face her, and walked over to the couch to sit on the arm of the chair. She sat down as far away from him as possible. Kurt shrugged.

"Every time I wanted to bring it up I thought about when you were helping me audition with that shakespeare piece. And how you laughed in my face because I couldn't be that guy. That dreamy masculine, _sexy _guy. And then there was Brody, I couldn't...you wouldn't choose me over him. Heck, you wouldn't choose me at all-"

Rachel interrupted him.

"You don't know that, Kurt. You took my choice away. Had you come to me, and talked to me maybe I could have helped."

"No you would have freaked out."

Rachel shook her head; she was exasperated.

"I guess we'll never know. I'm freaking out now because this shouldn't have been the way I found out about this. And now I don't know how to feel about this or you or anything. It's a lot to take in- knowing that my best friend with a soft spot for guys wants to have sex with me."

Rachel laughed bitterly.

"Don't do that. You know I'm not that kind of guy. It's not just about that. I'm attracted to you physically, yea. But I can't stop thinking about you. I wonder how it would be if you were my girlfriend. I think about all the people who would judge me for liking you- knowing that this entire time I thought I was gay. I tried to figure out if I felt anything towards women. And I thought it was because I was so far from home and so lonely with my breakup with Blaine. I thought it was because you're here for me. That you fight for me to be by your side, to be here with you- but it wasn't that. It kept coming back to you, Rachel. You're right, you're my best friend. I trust you more than so many people in my life, and maybe that's why I want to be with you. Maybe that's why I love you!"

It came out by mistake. Because Kurt hadn't made those conclusions yet. He hadn't come to terms with what this might actually be. The air deflated from his body and he slid off the armchair and onto the couch. He rubbed his face in his hands before he glanced over at Rachel. She was staring straight ahead, unblinking at the powered off television set. She opened her mouth and closed it a few times before she gave up and turned to face Kurt.

"Do you remember when Blaine thought he liked me?"

Kurt nodded.

"And you knew that when he kissed me sober, he would realize that he's gay?"

Kurt nodded again.

"Kiss me."

"_What?_"

"Just; maybe you just want me because you thought you couldn't have me. I mean, think about how hard I fought for Finn. It's just human nature-wanting the unobtainable. Wishing for the one thing you can't have so that you don't have to put yourself out there to find the things you can. So one kiss, get it out your system, and we can move on from here with a clean slate. And we can talk about what happened tonight and I'll wear more clothes around the house."

If she was right, all of these feelings he'd been having about her would go away. If she was wrong, Kurt didn't know if this would make things worse. Either way, he would get to kiss her; even if it was the only time. He swallowed the heavy caution in his throat and he moved closer to her on the couch. Rachel gripped the edge of the sofa but kept her gaze forward.

"...okay."

Her reasoning was sound. And Kurt would know the moment he kissed her how he felt about her. There would be no more doubt and no more worrying. He'd have an answer, and they would go from there. He took a moment before he turned to her. She was already facing him with searching eyes, trying to gauge his reaction.

Kurt leaned over slowly, his eyes darting between Rachel's eyes and her mouth. His breathing picked up when Rachel leaned over at the same pace, her lips succulent and slightly spread apart. Kurt noticed the quickening of breath too as they leaned in close enough to breathe the same air. Rachel tilted her head by a fraction, and her eyes fluttered shut by the time Kurt was millimeters over her mouth. He closed his eyes.

When his lips grazed hers he stopped breathing.

Lips puckered without movement they sat there awkwardly. Kurt snapped into action and began actually kissing her; slow and purposed- easy and experimental. He didn't feel anything at first. Just lips touching lips, tongues darting out to test the waters, to taste the experience.

When he leaned over closer, she started kissing him back.

And gosh.

He just.

Her mouth.

The noise Rachel made when she melted into him made his hands automatically twitch.

A hand found her scalp and Kurt groaned into her mouth. There was this warm squeeze in his chest as he deepened the kiss, his tongue tracing her bottom lip. His heart fluttered; it spasmed in his chest just as Rachel pulled his bottom lip between her teeth. He couldn't think of anything but kissing her. Nothing but her mouth and her body pressed against him. Her hands gripping at the edge of his night shirt. His hand on her waist while his fingertips clung to the spot. She wasn't slowing down, and Kurt didn't mind being stuck in the moment forever. There was a pleasant buzz tingling through his body- an energy that he'd never experienced before this moment.

It felt like every fiber of his being started at that kiss and it flowed through his body like liquid excitement.

Rachel chose then to break away, her chest heaving. She stared at him, surprised, and Kurt knew what he'd been feeling all this time- and he knew that Rachel felt it now. There was a sense of loss Kurt couldn't really comprehend at the absence of her lips, the closeness of her body... The impression she had left on him only solidified what he'd been feeling.

He was gay. But he wanted Rachel. And he didn't care anymore.

"Did you feel that?".

Rachel nodded, and she licked her kissed plumped lips in place of having something to say.

"And?"

"I-I don't know, Kurt. I don't know what that means. I can't think right now and I think it's best we sleep on it together- I mean, we both sleep on it in separate beds and we talk about it when things aren't so...fresh.".

Rachel refused to make eye contact. Kurt's heart was still thumping in his chest; little palpitations that he almost swore were chanting Rachel's name. If he didn't get away from her now, he was definitely going to kiss her again. He nodded at her slowly.

"Okay. Another day."

Kurt couldn't sleep that much that night.

000 0000 000

They were watching television. Three days had passed since they kissed; since Rachel found out. And for three days, he waited for Rachel to bring it up, but she didn't. They went about their days like nothing happened, but Kurt could tell how uneasy Rachel felt around him now. There was still tension between them. Whenever they bumped hands or made physical contact, Rachel flinched away in apology. Kurt knew that with time, things would go back to normal, but he felt like he'd never get another chance to kiss her.

They were on the couch. There was a gap between them, where Rachel would usually be snuggled beside him. He tried not to take the distance too personally. Something in him wished that she didn't know how he felt; at least he wouldn't hope for the contact he used to get without a second thought.

"I'm not angry anymore, Kurt."

Instances like these made Kurt believe that Rachel really had psychic abilities.

"I mean, at first I was. I've never felt so...embarrassed. I'd expect that from a lot of guys...just never from you. And I know things are weird right now, but I just- I have to get used to the fact that I can't be as comfortable as I once was around you because now it'd be a...a tease. I'm trying to adapt."

Kurt nodded.

"I understand. And I know no matter how many times I tell you I'm sorry...it won't change the fact that I betrayed your trust."

Rachel smiled a sad little smile and turned back to face the tv. She stretched her legs out to reach across the couch and they sat in silence for a few minutes.

"Are you still weirded out? Do I need to start looking for another place to live?"

Rachel chuckled.

"No, you can stay. I'll just have to keep my activities limited to the bathroom."

It took Kurt a moment to realize she was joking. Their laughter made the tension alleviate. Rachel continued when it died down.

"But seriously, I was just confused at first. I didn't know what it meant that you saw me that way. That I could arouse you." Rachel blushed and turned away from him. "After my initial anger... I was actually quite flattered, that you could do that; while watching me."

Kurt nodded.

"And the kiss? We- you never told me how you felt about it."

"How did you feel about it, Kurt?"

Kurt shrugged.

"You already know how I feel about it. I felt...something; something amazing. I felt more than I've ever felt with anyone. I just don't know what to do with those feelings until I know if you feel them too."

Rachel sighed. The tension was back.

"I felt what you felt. But, it's complicated. The kiss was amazing, I can agree. And if we stayed on the couch that night I would have kept kissing you. But we're friends. We're roommates. If I thought about being intimate with you before, all I could think about was you being totally disgusted. I just, I don't know what's supposed to happen next; but I do know that it has to happen naturally. I can't rush into this and you wind up hurt."

Kurt nodded. At least it was the first step; those were usually the hardest.

000 0000 000

Things were starting to get back to normal. Rachel was more comfortable around him, and Kurt was trying his best not to do anything that would set Rachel's progress back. He thought his feelings would fade away without reciprocity, but Kurt found himself growing fond of her. He dreaded the day Rachel would bring home someone else; Kurt was afraid of his own reaction. Kurt looked up from his Italian Vogue at Rachel, who stood in front of him in an adult onesy (the pattern was appalling but he still couldn't help but find her adorable) bouncing on her feet.

"What?"

Rachel sat down beside him on his bed.

"We should go out on a date."

Kurt could feel his eyebrows touch his hairline. She couldn't be serious.

"We live together. We are around each other all the time- but only as friends. We're definitely compatible as friends. But we don't know what would happen if we got romantically involved. I've been thinking...if you're still interested, we can test out my theory. We should know if it'll be incredibly awkward if I wanted to hold your hand or cuddle at the ice rink."

"Okay, when?"

"This weekend? We can see a show or something?"

"Okay. Sounds great. It's a date."

His heart felt like it was smiling.

000 0000 000

Their date was tonight. Kurt had picked his outfit the night Rachel suggested they go out. Rachel had been running around the apartment, asking him questions about proper attire and if they'd be outside (he had a great night planned ahead, and he wanted to keep it a surprise). He was ready to go, but Rachel had changed three times already. Kurt had been patient, reading through textbooks on his bed when she asked to come in.

She was wearing a beautiful black dress that stopped mid-thigh. She was holding it in the front at the bust, her bottom lip wedged between her teeth.

"I need your help."

Rachel turned on her bare feet to reveal her open dress, the clasp of a lace strapless bra visible along with a column of even, flawless skin.

"My zipper is stuck."

Kurt was sure she was trying to kill him.

"Maybe you should try taking the dress off?"

Rachel shook her head vigorously.

"I tried that already, I can tug it when I wear it but it didn't move when I lay it down. Could you?"

Kurt sighed. Being this close to her was dangerous. He'd been nervous around her lately- like every cell on his body knew she was close and was reacting to her proximity. He assessed the zipper, noting that none of the fabric had gotten tangled in it before he reached out to grab the little contraption. His knuckles grazed the bottom of her back, right at the curve her waist made with her bottom.

He took a shaky breath and tugged it upward, noticing Rachel's intake of breath. When it didn't budge, Rachel pulled her hair to the front, tossing it over her shoulder. Kurt could smell her, and his hand stopped momentarily to admire her from behind. One hand was still on the zipper while his other trailed quietly up the column of Rachel's spine. Fingertips touched lightly, tentatively, and Kurt's eyes jumped to the back of Rachel's neck in wait- expecting her to pull away. When she didn't, Kurt's hand trailed lightly upward, stopping at her bra before he traced the darker patterns on the fabric. He bit his lip when Rachel leaned into him slightly, exhaling the breath she'd been holding as Kurt's hand danced over her shoulder and curled into the crook of her neck.

His fingertips felt on fire; anxious to feel more. His hand pressed into her collarbone, and he feasted on the beauty of defined bone and soft skin. Rachel's breath let out and hitched back in. And he stopped, but didn't move his hand away.

"Kurt..."

It was a warning whimpered into the air; barely a protest.

He pulled the zipper again, loving that it didn't move, and he leaned forward into Rachel's personal space. She backed into him, his hands stopping them from touching anywhere. Kurt inahaled, long and deep, into the crook of Rachel's neck.

"You always smell like mangos...I just want to..."

Kurt bit his tongue. He leaned down and boldly pressed his lips to Rachel's pulse point. He knew her eyes had fluttered closed; he knew he wouldn't get denied when she tilted her neck out to him for better access. He flicked his tongue over the place her heart was thumping angainst the skin on her neck and Rachel let out a breathless sigh. Kurt tugged on the zipper again and it_ moved_. It freaking moved. He stopped what he was doing immediately, and his hands fell to her hips.

Touching her was dangerous.

Rachel was breathing heavily, she turned sideways, her profile hooded; her eyes low. He pushed her away and pulled her back to him until she was facing him. Kurt felt alive staring into Rachel's unwavering gaze. All he wanted to do was kiss her. If he just leaned down, his lips would be on her lips and maybe his hand in her hair...

"_Kurt.._."

So much emotion she could put in his name. One syllable. Four letters. An acknowlegement; a dare. Everything she needed to say and the only thing he needed to hear.

So he kissed her, his hands came up to cup her cheeks and he smiled against her lips when she began kissing him back. Her hands were holding up her dress still, wedged between them as their mouths busied with becoming acquainted.

They stood that way for a while, Kurt's hands just navigating her body, while she kissed him back; groaning and whimpering into their embrace. It was like he couldn't get enough of her, he couldn't kiss her deep enough-he'd never experienced loss of control like this in his life.

He wondered if this was what kissing your soulmate felt like. Uninhibited- a "can't get enough" type of feeling. An insatiable craving for more of another person. He pulled away to catch his breath and they were panting. Rachel's lip gloss was smudged around her mouth, and her hands were crossed over her chest where she was still holding her dress. All Kurt wanted was her. Every single bit of her. She must have seen it on his face because she was smiling up at him, boldly bashful in the aftermath of their kissing.

Rachel was watching him. She was trailing her eyes slowly down the length of his body and quickly back up to his eyes. She was assessing him with a look that made Kurt think she was waging war silently with herself.

She quirked the side of her mouth, and Kurt was captivated with the look on her face. She was looking up at him coyly, and he had to swallow the extra saliva gathering in his mouth. He couldn't understand how he was anticipating whatever it was Rachel had in mind just as much as he was terrified of it. He squared his shoulders in front of her; ready.

And that's when she dropped her hands from the bust of her dress. Kurt's mouth hit the floor the same time her dress did.

000 0000 000

Rachel stood in front of him unashamed. Kurt reveled in all black lace and bare feet and tan skin and suddenly Kurt didn't want to leave this apartment. He didn't know what to anticipate but whatever it was...he really wanted it to happen.

And happen it would.

Rachel looked motivated. She had her crazy determined face on when she sauntered forward to kiss him again. She was all hands in his hair (which threw him off because _**no one**_ was bold enough to muss his hair- but when she did it he just wanted her to grip and tug on it- which she was doing right now) and gosh when she tilted her head to kiss him harder, his body followed without hesitation.

All the impulse control he had built from years of disciplined shopping went out the window when she pulled him closer to her by his belt; a sexy tug and Rachel was flush against him. She was warm and soft and smaller than him and he was heady with the way oxygen wasn't reaching his brain anymore. Her mouth lead and he followed, kissing and nipping and sucking and God (he must exist because nothing in this world could feel more heavenly then having Rachel Berry devour him) he could stay here and do this forever.

Rachel pulled away and Kurt heard the whimper leave his mouth as he blinked back into reality.

"You make something in my stomach flutter when I'm kissing you...it's scary but all I want is to keep kissing you to see what happens next. "

Kurt agreed with her wholeheartedly.

"How much time do we have before we have to go, Kurt?"

Rachel started unbuttoning his shirt, slowly while staring deeply into his eyes. She seemed like she was blatantly disregarding her own question since she seemed set on doing whatever she was going to rather they had time or not. Kurt couldn't believe she was asking him that right now, and he only managed to answer after she'd tugged his shirt out of his pants completely.

"We don't have to leave at all...n-nothing I have planned is set in stone."

Rachel smiled again before she opened his shirt completely and pressed her hands flat against his chest (he was happy he chose not to wear layers because he wouldn't survive her having to undress him slowly). Her hands were so warm Kurt swore she set his heart aflame through his chest at the contact. Kurt's arms pulled her closer. Her skin touching his was like the first hit of a drug; he needed to remember how it felt this first time...just in case it never felt this way again. Rachel's hands were electrifying against his chest, he could feel himself swelling against Rachel as she stood on tip toe to peck a sweet kiss against his lips.

"We can go out another night."

He was excited and completely mortified at what that meant. All he wanted was to touch her and kiss her and just be close to her. And yea, he was curious about what sex would be like with her (actually, women in general) but he hadn't expected it now- so quickly after she agreed to giving them a romantic chance only days ago.

But Kurt forgot about his worries when she pushed him down onto his own bed and straddled his thighs. In fact, he forgot everything he'd been thinking when she leaned into him. His eyes squeezed shut when her lips pressed against his neck. His gut did this flutter, clench ditty that make his hips buck when Rachel sucked beneath his ear and Kurt guessed that this is what Rachel's intensity feels like in physical form. He let out a sigh of release (because honestly, he has a lot of self control but whenever she touched him his body felt everything a thousand times stronger) when she leaned away from him.

"If...if you don't feel comfortable with anything just tell me; and we can stop, okay?"

His sweet, caring, beautiful Rachel.

"I don't think I'd be able to stop if I tried at this point. I just... I can't promise that this will be great for you because I honestly don't know what the heck I'm doing here."

He felt his cheeks blaze with nervousness. He didn't know the first thing about how to please a woman. It felt like his first time all over again.

But it felt just as right.

"Just follow my lead, and relax. And if you want to stop or you feel overwhemed just tell me and we'll take it slow, okay?"

He nodded and got lost in the flecks of gold shining in Rachel's eyes. She was still on his lap when she kissed his neck again. She took her time, tracing paths up and down like she was memorizing his skin. Some of the noises he was making made him blush- but when Rachel started rocking her hips over his erection, she starting making noises that Kurt hadn't been aware existed.

Things got heated fast.

At one point Rachel's rocking had turned into rough, desperate grinding, she was stroking him the long way; mewling and bucking and shuddering into his mouth. He could feel the lace of her panties wet against the crotch of his pants. Kurt was no better, pushing down her hips and trying to feel everything through his clothing until Rachel decided it was time to lose that too. When she pulled away, Kurt was tenting thick and hard in his pants, the imprint of his shaft left nothing to the imagination as Rachel untied and pulled off his boots.

Kurt sucked in a breath when her hands went to the fly of his pants.

"May I?"

Kurt nodded, unable to give any other form of an answer with Rachel so suggestively between his legs on the floor; looking up at him with big brown eyes that were dark and sure and hungry. Rachel did away with his pants, and she pulled him from his boxer briefs like his cock was some important artifact that might break if she gripped it tighter.

She licked her lips.

And Kurt knew before she moved what she wanted to do. And only one person had ever done that for him and Kurt just knew that what she was about to do to him wouldn't compare to the fumbling novice blowjob Blaine had given him under the blankets with the lights out.

"Do you want to stop?"

He shook his head violently, excited to see himself disappear into Rachel's mouth. His hand scratched lightly through her scalp when she leaned forward, taking just the head of him into her mouth and flicking her tongue over the opening. Kurt bit his lip; she wouldn't make him cry out so soon...she couldn't reduce him to that with the first touch of her tongue to his cock-

Rachel's cheeks hallowed when she sucked, and Kurt let out a groan that rumbled up his stomach and out into the air without permission. He held hair when she kept going down, inch after inch of him disapearing until he felt Rachel's lips flush against him with every bit of him pressing into the back of her throat.

When she pulled back and let him pop out of her mouth again, Kurt saw stars. And without hands she repeated the motion until he felt her work her esophogus around him a flurry of contracting muscles.

Kurt cried out then.

"Oh my gosh!"

Rachel sped up her stroke.

Kurt was no monster, he was thick and he had length but he was big enough that Blaine had a problem taking him halfway before choking. But Rachel seemed to have no qualms as she sucked and suckled him; her speed pushing him closer to the edge in one of the fastest speeds he'd ever clocked. Rachel's head was bobbing in his lap and Kurt's hand was gripping tighter at her scalp. He was letting out little growls as she continued, and the bottoms of his feet were tingling the longer she sucked him off.

Rachel was speaking around a mouthful of his cock, little vibrations had him choking on the already unintelligible noises quaking from his throat. His head fell back when Rachel swallowed to the base and licked his testicles with every inch of him in her mouth.

"Fuck. Fuck. Fuck!"

He wasn't one to use curse words, but there was no other way to convey how he felt at that moment. There was no word in the English language that adequately explained how Rachel was making him feel.

And when she did it again, with more pressure, he began pumping into her mouth.

"If you don't stop-you're going to make me-"

"Mmmhmmmm."

She was telling him to do it in her mouth. She repeated the motion.

"Please, Rach, I'm going to finish in your mouth..."

She pulled up and sucked her way back down, tongue darting out to tease his testicals again. That's when he lost it. He felt the tension stop his movement, he felt Rachel shudder with him still in her mouth; moaning in just as much pleasure as she swallowed every last drop.

Gosh, Kurt loved the enthusiasm.

When he let her hair loose from his grip, he was shaking. Every single limb attached to his body was a quivering mess. He fell back onto the bed and rubbed his face, his vision clearing just as Rachel climbed up the bed beside him.

They adjusted against his headboard. He kissed her when they settled, he pushed the touseled strands of hair away from her face.

"I want to...I want to touch you. But you have to show me."

He was so curious. He wanted to know every inch of her. He wanted to touch her intimately; he wanted to give her what she just gave him if nothing else. Rachel was staring at him with the most patient gaze Kurt has ever received. He was nervous-but he was excited and curious and_** ready**_.

"Okay..." She whispered it without breaking eye contact.

Kurt moved to action.

Kurt's hands shook slightly when he dragged those (damp) lace panties down Rachel's legs. He hovered over her to kiss her before stretching out beside her with his hand on the flat of her stomach. She was still wearing her bra; Kurt enjoyed the dark contrast of it against her skin. His hand roamed up her stomach to cup her through fabric and she arched into his touch.

Kurt swallowed to gain composure, his eyes finally left hers as he became acquainted with the curves and mounds of Rachel's body. He became familiar with which sounds meant what. A moan meant more, a sharp intake of breath meant she hadn't expected something to feel a certain way, and when she whimpered, she was begging for him to continue. It didn't take long for Kurt to understand the language of her body. To comprehend the pace and tone of her uneven breathing. To appreciate the clenching and quivering of her thighs. He navigated her with gentle fingertips and he tasted obscure places with puckered lips and a curious tongue. Kurt was enamored with the swell of Rachel's bust and the small of her back. Kurt enjoyed the noises she made when his tongue traced over her side; and when his hands dragged across the outsides of her thighs. By the time Kurt had built up enough courage to touch her _there_, she was wet.

They moaned together when Rachel guided his hand into wet folds. He was afraid to add pressure, skin so delicate Kurt was sure it would tear if he rubbed the small nub Rachel was guiding him over too hard. He wasn't bold enough to taste her; but he could smell musk wafting from the apex of her thighs- and it made his stomach hungry.

He followed her movements, dragging moisture from her opening in slow strokes up her slit. He pulled two fingers up and rubbed around her clit in circles until Rachel's eyes fluttered into the back of her head. He tried different paths, zig zags and flicks and spelling out letters with his fingers until Rachel was grabbing at his arms and arching into his moving hand.

He never knew that pleasuring someone else could make him so aroused.

Rachel was mewling, the word 'yes' reverberated off the walls in a steady rhythm. Rachel was opening and closing her legs around his hand as Kurt slipped steadily through slick folds. He wanted to push his fingers inside her. He needed to know how she felt surrounding him. All he had to do was slide in during the down stroke. He did just that and marveled in the pulsing heat that greeted him; the strangled noise that broke up Rachel's throat.

"Oh, yes, please don't stop."

Of course he didn't. He pulled all the way out, dragging drenched fingers back to Rachel's clit and patting the bundle of nerves with the slightest amount of pressure. Rachel growled out pure frustration before swallowing the noise when Kurt slid his hand back down and pumped his fingers into Rachel's sex.

It made him doubt years of homosexuality- but Kurt knew if this were anyone else he wouldn't be as aroused- if anything, he was just gay for Rachel. He smiled at that before leaning over to suck her neck, his fingers pumping faster into the moaning girl beside him.

He enjoyed this, there was no doubt. He loved having Rachel bucking and panting beside him. He loved watching her hips twist and buck and shudder as he fingered her. He enjoyed the creamy wet around his fingers. Rachel was trembling. She was following his moving hand desperately. She was close.

"Fuck yes Kurt, right there!"

Kurt's wrist was sore, but he kept going- angling his fingers to hit the spot that made Rachel seem to have breathing problems. She grabbed his hair and pushed him into the crook of her neck, her body arching to meet his thrusts. The sounds she was making were different now.

She made noises that made him think she was panicking. Her body was covered in a sheen of sweat and her flesh felt hot against his. She had a fistful of his hair gripped in her hand and that only made him harder.

He felt it before she told him.

"Oh, fuck yesssss!" She said it like he found the holy land.

Fluttering, squeezing muscles clamped hard around his fingers. The wet that had puddled in his hand was no comparison to the gush that trickled out as she came. He felt the thundering pulse grip and release around him. When her grip on his hair loosened, Kurt pulled his sticky fingers from her convulsing insides and stared at the remnants of her arousal-amazed.

Rachel sat up and leaned over to grab a few tissues, muttering a quiet apology and biting her lip as he wiped his hand off. He tossed it into the bin beside his bed and pulled Rachel by the hip so she was facing him. Rachel looked at him bashfully, suddenly embarrassed at what had just happened.

"I've...no one's ever brought me to orgasm before. I've gotten close with Finn but he always-"

Kurt winced.

"Sorry. I guess that is a sore subject right now..."

Kurt shook his head.

"No, no. He's a part of your past... I have to get used to that if...if we go any further. I'm nervous about seeing his reaction. And Blaine's. They're going to hate us."

Rachel looked away, took a breath and turned back to him, determined.

"Let them hate us then. We were bound to move on anyway."

Kurt nodded. He was still hard between them. He was sure Rachel felt him, leaking and pressing against her hip.

"I want to have sex with you..."

It was honesty, spewing from Kurt's mouth like vomit. Rachel smiled.

"We sort of, just did."

Kurt rolled his eyes.

"I know that smarty I mean- I want to be inside of you."

Rachel's mouth formed the 'O' shape without sound, and Kurt's hand traveled up her back like a shiver; forcing her close her eyes and enjoy the maddening sensation. Kurt bit his lip when his thumb dragged across her bra clasp. He undid it and rubbed the skin beneath it. It fell forward with Rachel's shaky exhale, and Kurt pulled it off slowly, catching Rachel's eyes and darting back to the skin of her breasts as more of it was revealed.

"Do you want to?"

Rachel nodded.

"I wasn't sure you would want to. I mean, exploring is one thing but I didn't want to assume you would just want to...jump right into that. First time experiences are terrifying."

Kurt agreed.

"I want to. If you trust me enough to share that with me... I really want to."

"I do, Kurt. Trust you- I mean. I know almost everything about you. And now I know that touching you is addictive. I can't deny the chemistry."

Rachel kissed him, a quick peck.

"Or the connection."

She kissed him again, this time a bit longer.

"Or the fact that kissing you makes me wet."

Kurt loved the way Rachel said it; like the last word was hot and might burn her tongue. Rachel kissed him again, and she smiled against his lips before pulling away.

"You do understand that this makes no sense, right?"

Kurt nodded.

"We must definitely be out of our minds..."

Rachel kissed him again.

"Do you have condoms?"

000 0000 000

The condom he had on was the same kind he'd used with Blaine-ribbed and lubricated (and hypoallergenic). He hated thinking about him at a time like this, with Rachel sitting on his lap awkwardly, leaning forward as not to squish his raging erection.

Rachel's breasts were eye level in this position. Kurt was fascinated with them. They were perky, round and just enough to squeeze without having extra. He'd never been interested in breasts before. He still wasn't, really. But his hand cupped her from underneath and he kneaded upward and enjoyed the lines that bent in Rachel's back as she lifted and mewled into the air. Kurt loved that response , and it spurred him to wrap his mouth around a hardening nipple.

Apparently Rachel was sensitive there.

Because she shuddered on his lap. Kurt could feel wet folds tickling the head of his penis as Rachel's hands jerked into his hairline. He twitched when Rachel grabbed his ears and moved him over the other nipple to show it an equal amount of attention.

"Bite it..."

He looked up at her with her nipple in his mouth, amazed at her hooded eyes and the playful tug at the corner of her mouth. It sounded nasty against his ears, and he loved the sense of urgency she forced into the command.

He bit her- softly of course, and Rachel leaned back while gripping the back of his neck and she rocked over his cock like she had no choice in the matter. His hand reached over to squeeze the other; twisting the nub between his fingers while he sucked and circled the other with his tongue.

He wasn't fond of breasts...but he enjoyed the reactions they evoked when he kissed Rachel's. When her pace sped up, Kurt pulled away to kiss her, her lips like sugar as they frantically met in the middle. Hands were moving, pulling, squeezing, and Rachel was rocking up and down Kurt's shaft.

She was grinding harder into him, and he couldn't take the motion anymore- he wrangled an arm around her waist to stop her, and she pushed him roughly against the headboard before leaning forward to position herself over him.

This was it.

He was heaving, his chest was shaking as he inhaled; nervous- he wanted this but he didn't know what to expect. He needed it to be as good as he'd imagined. He was freaking out on the inside, not sure if he'd last or if he'd like it or if this was all a mistake that-

"Kurt, relax."

It snapped him out of his self doubting. He took a shallow breath and stared into Rachel's eyes. She cupped his face and reached behind her, lining him at her entrance. She sunk down slowly, taking him in with her lip bitten beneath her teeth, her eyes never leaving his.

Kurt felt every tight bit of her around his shaft. Wet, pulsing, delicious heat that hugged and cradled every single bit of him until Rachel was flush against his lap. Rachel sighed and Kurt swore he could feel the movement from the inside. Neither of them moved until Rachel kissed him. It was long and soft and tender and Kurt felt himself stretch inside her as she pulled away.

She lifted up slowly, letting his skin kiss the air coolly before she sunk back down. Rachel was tight; he felt like she was suffocating around his cock, and the friction of her movement was making his breathing erratic. Kurt could feel how wet she was and his thoughts went to his first time. He hated the smell of lube, and he was so nervous about hurting Blaine that he didn't get to enjoy the feeling of being inside someone else. He closed his eyes and rested his fingertips at the small of Rachel's back. He leaned forward to put his head against her chest, stopping her from stroking above him.

Kurt hadn't felt this connected to another person before. He hugged her close to him, unmoving, and listened to the gentle pounding of her heart. She wrapped her arms around his neck and let him have his moment. Kurt was terrified on the inside at what this meant. He wanted her. He never wanted to be without her.

Kurt lifted his knees with her on his lap and he scooted with them still joined. He managed to get flat on the bed, and he looked up at Rachel to continue. She started that same slow, tedious rhythm, sliding and sinking over him, her hand nestled on his chest for leverage.

Kurt started participating, thrusting up when Rachel slid down, grabbing Rachel's hips and forcing her weight down over his shaft. Their rhythm built slowly.

"You're so deep..."

It was the first words uttered between them. Their bodies seemed to go off instinct, and Kurt convulsed inside her when she said it. Rachel leaned over him to kiss him, the angle curving him inside her as he continued stroking. Rachel stayed in that position, and Kurt took charge then, grabbing her by her ass and pumping harder into her wet sex. Kurt could feel her flutter on the inside when he hit a particular rough patch. He kept slamming into that spot, Rachel's pants loud in his ear as she relaxed and let him fuck her.

Kurt loved the wet smacking noise their bodies made on impact. He could feel Rachel squeeze and contract around him, and he couldn't help the moan he let out. Rachel growled then, expelling little "oh, oh, oh's" with each thrust that pounded into her.

"God, Kurt you're going to make me cum so hard. You feel so good..."

Rachel's thighs shook.

Rachel shot up, her legs gripped his thighs and she took a moment to shake above him. She took a few deep breaths, both her tiny hands splayed out beneath his navel, and she threw her head back and began dragging her clit against him on the down stroke. Kurt gripped her hips, enjoying the weight of her body, loving the way Rachel clung to him as she dragged up his shaft. They were rocking, moving the bed as Rachel moved above him, dragging her hips and slamming down over him.

She was fucking him.

And Kurt didn't need to be dominant. He didn't need to be in control because the way she was riding him had him speechless. He was making noises no man should ever make...but Rachel seemed to spur on from his responses- her breath hitching whenever his released, their bodies making complimentary sounds in the stroke and grind of their love making.

"You're so wet, and tight...I just-Oh gosh, you feel so good."

His words weren't useful now, so he reached his hands to knead the cleavage pouring from where Rachel's breasts were squeezed between her two arms. She had her hands in the same space, below his navel, and she was gaining leverage as she pounded over him. Her hair was stuck to her forehead in exertion, and Kurt knew her thighs must burn from lifting for as long as she had.

He leaned up and palmed her ass, pulling a nipple into his mouth as he thrust into her harder. Her arms moved from between them and gripped around his neck. He was searching for that spot; the little ridges further back that he had hit to make her lose her breath. She was chanting his name, her arms squeezing his shoulders as he devoured the perky mounds that made her go crazy.

"I'm going to come, Kurt. Will you come with me?"

Kurt couldn't handle the vulgarity of her words. He was sliding out of her by then, her arousal thick and slippery as he pushed back inside her.

"Mmmmhmm." It was all he could manage.

Rachel smiled, it seemed so out of place with the rapid thrust he was pumping into her, but none of this seemed normal.

Kurt took that back.

It seemed perfect. It seemed like this was where he should be and who he should be with. He was making love with a kindred spirit that just so happened to be female. Perfect.

And he didn't have to pinch himself to test if he was dreaming because when he steadied himself to lift Rachel by her ass, her fingernails dug into his back and she stopped moving. He lifted her over his cock and memorized the sound of her voice in his ears repeating 'fuck' over and over again.

He felt the ridges, he felt the flutter and the grip and he knew that she was close. The pounding forced Rachel's breaths to come out in little huffs, and she let him lift her weight over his shaft, the rest of her body tense, coiling and stiffening on top of him.

That's when he felt it.

It was like every muscle inside of Rachel gripped him separately, she was contorting around him from the inside, tickling up his shaft with enough force to push him out but he kept stroking through it. He felt her gush and trickle around him, and they both let out the same, low pitted guttural groan.

Kurt swore he saw fireworks.

He lifted her up and they fell apart with a sloppy suction noise, and Rachel nuzzled sleepily against his chest when her breathing returned to normal.

He made work tying off his condom and throwing it in the trash with the one hand Rachel wasn't resting against. He kicked his feet under the duvet folded at the end of the bed.

Kurt just listened to their breathing at first. He stared up at the curtains hung from the ceiling and he listened to the noises New York City made at night. His chest felt weak when he let out a calming breath; like the burn after a good run. Rachel was quiet beside him, her head resting against his ribcage...cocooned and so tiny nestled in his arms. His fingers drew a pattern over her shoulder, rubbing aimlessly over smooth skin- goose bumping tanned perfection.

"When did you know?"

Kurt knew immediately what she was referring to.

"I thought it was physical at first...like maybe some part of my brain chemistry had changed and suddenly I could see you. I could see you in a way I normally didn't."

Kurt felt like he would never get this chance. To explain. He sighed, staring at the ceiling.

"It happened in moments. Like, winter showcase. I was panicking and you were there. You had faith in me and- you're always my supporting lead. When you took me out to celebrate for my NYADA acceptance," Kurt paused to sober himself, "... you have this way of making me feel like I'm good enough. Things changed after that. I started feeling things past the physical stuff. Sometimes when you smiled at me I felt my stomach do flip flops. You would always snuggle up to me and and it just felt like I should be able to wrap my arms around you the way I wanted to. I thought it would go away. That it was a crush...but I felt like I was going crazy and you were just prancing around the apartment, oblivious."

Rachel chuckled against him, her fingers drew pictures on his bicep.

"You know...when you walked in on me in the shower that time, I couldn't read your face. I'd never seen it before. It was like you were stuck and you were trying to look away but you couldn't and-"

Rachel turned in his arms until her chin pressed into his chest.

"...and for days I was trying to find flaws because you were _Kurt_ and you probably found some fashion anomaly with my birthday suit."

Rachel laughed and turned to press her ear to his heart. She kept talking as his hand pulled hair from her flushed cheeks.

"In hindsight I feel like I should have noticed more. Without the sheer embarrassment...it's kind of romantic. You trying to be my friend but you were madly obsessed with me and everything I did just added to your torture. "

Kurt rolled his eyes.

"Don't roll your eyes at me!"

Kurt shook his head.

"I don't know, it just seems like one of those cheesy romantic comedy trailers. With all the ups and downs and misunderstandings. But that big fat happy ending."

He loved her sleepy ramble. He massaged his fingers through her scalp, his mind lingering on her words over the rhythm of their breathing. It was quiet for a while. Kurt ran marathons with his fingertips on Rachel's skin and Rachel's hands played in places that made him smirk when her hand grazed over them.

"Do you think this can work, Kurt? It'll be like coming out all over again. People are going to make a big deal out of it, ask the same annoying questions."

"I know. But I can't deny feelings. Strong ones. I don't need to label myself. I'm still the same me. I'm not suddenly some hip bisexual taking a foray into lady land. I'm...gay. But you are my exception. I think that it's great that we love a lot of the same things, that I can have everything with you. You could be my best friend and my lover too."

Rachel lifted her head again. This time with sleepy eyes.

"Can I call you my life partner?"

"Only if you promise never to wear that hideous ones y ever again. That was so eleventh grade girls night sleepover sheik."

Rachel's head fell to his chest as she giggled heartily.

Kurt felt like this was how it was supposed to be...with someone he was supposed to be with. Nothing else mattered.

End.


End file.
